Aries (March21-April 19)
A flat-head screwdriver and a trashcan lid will factor greatly in your survival, Thursday.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No, boredom is not an excuse for collateral damage.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The people who you thought loved you will show their true colors, when you kidnap yourself and not only do they not want to pay the ransom, but they screen their calls, as well.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
We don’t stare at your tongue-ring because we are afraid of your rebellious aesthetics. We stare because tongue-rings are made to stimulate fellatio, and you’re a 14-year-old boy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Just when you thought they were asleep, your cats will jump you and murder you. I would suggest skipping the midnight snack tomorrow.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Perception is key here. Stop molesting police horses.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Everybody wants to be that hero who tackles the terrorist and saves the day. However, no matter how much I sympathize with you, clowns are not always terrorists.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You will be noisily devoured by wild animals this week. The bad part is, it will take ALL WEEK.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The tax auditor you locked in the basement will only keep pounding on the ceiling until you feed it.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Bizarre and violent circumstances surround this week’s banishment from Wendy’s.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Politics factor greatly in your sudden urge to crumple on the floor in a fetal position and sob like a sick child, Wednesday.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Some say love gives you wings. but in your case, it just makes your basement reek of Astro-Glide and hate.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken