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By thamike.com
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Tax Tips From Russell Paika Esq.

Tax day is coming up! You little shits better be ready, because Uncle Sam wants your money. Like a south-side pimp who fucked your wife and wants his grocery money back, the U.S. government is here to collect. Not a big deal. They just want to stick their beak in a little. Maybe just a couple of inches.

I have a few tips to make sure that your fiscal year doesn’t end up like mine usually does, with me cleaning bits of skull and brains out of the carpet, and telling the IRS that an auditor never arrived and, yes, I have claimed my dog as a dependent.

These tips are designed to keep, you, the taxpayer, from making any errors which might trigger an armed response, and also to save you money. There are many things that the average taxpayer can claim as deductible.

Tax Time
Tax Time, Muthafucka!

A few examples:

* Money spent trying to abandon your children is deductible in the state ofWisconsin. Fill out for W-7F400-56B.

* Heavy drugs are deductible, but only if you shared them with your employer.

* Assault weapons and ammo are deductible, unless used on a representative of the IRS on any Sunday or Wednesday; 8:00am to 5:00 pm. Call the IRS for details.

* Much like hookers, lottery tickets are deductible if you bought them whileintoxicated. Form W-198C (left column).

Sometimes, if you have been incredibly stupid, the IRS will audit you. If an IRS auditor is knocking on your door, you are pretty limited as to what you can do to prevent the audit from happening. I suggest hiding under a mattress, sticking your fingers in your ears, and screaming “LALALALALALA” until the auditor goes away. This has worked for me, but only briefly. The most important thing is to think ahead. Don’t let yourself even get to the point of being audited.

A few suggestions:

* Follow a life of crime in Paris
* Pay your taxes on time, asshole
* Get a job at the IRS

I hope I’ve helped you, the taxpayer, a little. Remember, relax, and take a deep breath. It’s not that bad having to do taxes. And if you do find yourself facing an audit, protect yourself. Wear a condom the entire time it takes you to flee the country.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Russell Paika


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