Aries (March21-April 19)
Career matters factor greatly in your life this week, when you are mauled by a circus bear.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You really should have killed that fucking guy.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Sometimes friends will hold an "intervention" to help someone cope with an addiction. But come on, are you really THAT addicted to shoes?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Monotheism can work for many individuals. However, the toilet doesn’t count as a deity, and speed and booze don’t count as demi-gods. At least not in divorce court.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Frankie wants to touch you in the swimsuit area. On Thursday, let him. You won't regret it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You will not be able to finish your Boo-Berry Cereal, as you will be torn to shreds by evil zombie children, mid-spoonful.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Despite what everyone says, you should get that giant baby head that's growing on your left shoulder looked at.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Anthrax in the mail this week.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Being constantly fucked by the system Is something we all have to endure. However, in your case, you're being fucked by the Dewey Decimal System. And that’s just disgusting.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Pardon my French when I say, "Tu aime ces types vicieux, qu' ici montrent la bite."

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Cripples can make for good sport.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
"Positive" will be your word for the week, after a trip to the gynecologist. I can't delve further into the details, as that would spoil the surprise.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken