WASHINGTON,
D.C. - In closed-door
sessions Tuesday, Republican leaders
of both the House and Senate met to
discuss the soon-to-be-finalized business
deal which would give them the patent
on patriotism. Spokesmen for the Republicans
said that the deal had been in place
for some time, but fundraisers this
past month have finally put them within
range of achieving their goal.
This is a great moment for us, and our
country, said Senator Trent Lott, Republican
from Mississippi. We can soon lay claim
to that most basic of empty gestures,
all-American patriotism.
President Bush released a statement
praising the efforts of the party to
corner the market on the commodity of
patriotism, and lashed out at his Democratic
opponent John Kerry for criticizing
the move.
John Kerry just doesn't know when to
quit, the statement from the president
said, and pretty soon, he won't be able
to call himself 'patriotic', even though
he did serve in Vietnam. He probably
just went over so he could talk bad
'bout our troops.
The movement to lay sole claim to patriotism
began in the early Eighties, when documents
released this week revealed that Ronald
Reagan began making inquires about the
availability of patriotism's copyright.
Unfortunately, the Iran-Contra scandal
and wife Nancy's craze for astrology
distracted him one second too many,
and the idea was scrapped.
Beginning with the election of Bill
Clinton in 1992, however, the move to
reclaim patriotism as a part of Republicanism's
long and shameful history began again
in earnest. Says Bush mouthpiece and
closeted homosexual Sean Hannity, The
desire to lay claim to something that
couldn't be tarnished by Clinton and
his dirty, disgusting, enormous, juicy....his
administration, yeah, administration,
well it was just so big....just so important
that we on the Right decided to renew
our God-given right to claim patriotism
as our own. And to dance naked in the
streets, hand in hand with our boyfriends
and not ashamed...please don't tell
my wife.
Newt Gingrich appeared on the local
Sunday talk shows in the mid-Nineties
calling for his party to lay claim to
patriotism, but many disregarded him
as an idiot and didn't understand that
he meant it in literal terms. After
the September 11 attacks, however, with
a Republican in the White House and
ceaseless attempts by those on the Left
to appear less hostile for fear they'd
piss off the rednecks in their voting
districts, the capital for investing
in patriotism was suddenly available.
Said Condeleeza Rice in between lies
during her testimony before the 9/11
commission, I think it's important for
the American people to know where our
parties stand. By the way, we just bought
patriotism, so screw you.
Simply buying the entity that is patriotism
is just the beginning, promises former
White House spokesmen (and current Ari
in Tha Houz urban website owner) Ari
Fleischer.
We plan to go into marketing 'patriotism'
as a uniquely Republican concept, with
bumper-stickers, t-shirts, collector
mugs, and countless other tacky novelty
items emblazoned with the slogan 'If
You're Not A Repub, You're Not A Patriot'.
Also, our campaign ads will compare
Bush's 'patriotism quotient' (a theoretical
figure designed to gauge a person's
relative love of country) to Kerry's.
Now that we've got dibs on patriotism,
of course, you can see who will win
that one, Fleischer said, cackling wildly.
The Democrats are up in arms over the
Republicans co-opting patriotism, but
Bill O'Reilly has pointed out their
mistake: We're not 'co-opting' it, we're
buying it fair and square. Talking Points
think the Democrats should stop whining
and get back to doing what they do best...whining.
Full attention is being given to a new
view of American history which will
account for the Republican Party's claim
of legitimate right to patriotism. Wartime
presidents who were Republican (Abraham
Lincoln, William McKinley, Richard Nixon)
will be shown as more reverent to the
institutions of their country (never
talking back to others, always doing
what they're told, never hiding anything
from the public). Meanwhile, Democrats
in the same position (FDR, Lyndon Johnson,
Truman) will be depicted as wiping their
asses with the flag, urinating on the
mothers of soldiers sent off to endless
combat, and cavorting with unsavory
types at various bars around Washington.
We're really excited for this opportunity
to beat the Democrats at their own game,
Fleischer contended in a press conference,
wearing FuBu gear and sipping back on
a Wild Turkey. We'll be the shit now,
and the Dems is gonna have to come up
with something to try and beat us on.
The buy is not totally sown up in the
Republicans' favor yet, however, but
a recent merger with the Evil Empire
from the Star Wars saga should give
the party all the money it needs to
seal the deal. Look for Toby Keith to
perform the officially-sanctioned anthem
of Republican patriotism, Fuck You If
You Vote Democrat at the all-Republican
Fourth of July Celebration on the Washington
Mall.
Meanwhile, in related news, John Ashcroft
is close to revising the Constitution
to ban Democrats from speaking or thinking
contrary to the Administration's policies.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger
Washington Correspondent (It's a Living) |