Aries (March21-April 19)
This is a week to focus on relationships. Drown out those negative voices in your head. Use Lysol and steel wool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Though prone to nasty falls, you entertain and educate everyone around you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Farting is not a sport. It is a pastime.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Anyone who comes in contact with you will feel your energy, which unfortunately for them, is hydrogen based.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Due to a lapse in communication, those whom you once considered friends will turn into to rabid homosexual werewolves when you are most vulnerable.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Cheeze-Whiz makes for an excellent adhesive or blasting cap accelerant.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
The horrible bad luck you will suffer this week was meant for someone else. A coupon is in the
mail. We apologize for the slight inconvenience caused by your heart attack and the loss of your first born.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Canceling your subscription doesn’t mean that this is over. The people at Cat Fancy know your address. They know where your kids go to school. Watch your back, cat hater.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
No matter how successful you become, you will always know that one day in the summer of 1986, you fucked a sock.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You will find out in probably the only way possible, that Turkish cuisine makes your intestine rupture.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
No, Jesus did not die for you…

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will die a horrible death this week, when your furniture stages an aesthetic coup.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken