OAK
BROOK, Illinois - When
announced, the addition of “Adult
Happy Meals” to the McDonald’s
line of usually debilitating fast food
offerings was seen as a godsend to the
widening American public, whose insatiable
appetite for all things grease has now
received a much needed shot in arm of
greens, water and adult entertainment.
Americans’ waist lines have expanded
considerably – in effect making
80s cartoon icon Fat Albert more of
an aspiration than humorous poke at
the hefty – and may need the reduction
in caloric intake, but many public figures
have openly criticized the inclusion
of “adult toys” in the $5.99
meals.
McDonald’s CEO Charlie Bell has
defended the adult meal since its initial
announcement late last year, telling
critics the adult populace is “absolutely
ready” for more responsible eating
habits.
“With our new adult offering,
we do indeed deliver as advertised with
a truly ‘adult’ meal,”
Bell said.
Bell added that the brand new meal will
feature a healthy salad, bottled water,
adult toy and a pack of “tar free”
cigarettes for dessert.
The fast food CEO has been asked repeatedly
how he could justify to the public that
cigarettes or adult toys could ever
contribute to a healthy lifestyle, and
he staunchly has defended his decision
to go ahead with the meals.
“Well, we don’t expect adults
to smoke the whole pack at once, and
they should use one only after the meal
and subsequent sex acts have been completed”
he said.
"As for the toy that is included,
Bell said that American adults are responsible
and would “never use the toys
in public or to harm or embarrass their
fellow man.”
"When you open your meal, pretend
it’s just like health class and
say ‘penis penis penis, vagina
vagina vagina’ over and over again
until you get the giggles out,”
Bell said. “Then, when you’re
ready, go to town on you or your partner.”
However, Bell’s optimism may have
been diminished after one of the toys
recently turned evangelist Billy Graham’s
attempt at healthy eating into an assault
on American values and his personal
safety. Graham, reportedly unaware of
what the “adult” meant in
his Happy Meal, opened the box only
to find his free toy had become activated
by an electrical short caused by a leaking
water bottle.
The device, simply entitled the “Black
Vein,” had begun to vibrate and
flop around wildly, and frightened Graham
to the point that he fell backwards
while climbing his home’s “Stairway
to Heaven.” The fall broke his
holy hip, but not his will to denounce
McDonald’s as the “corporate
fast food kingdom of Satan leading America
and the world down a greasy - yet trans-fat
free - road to perdition.”
Black Vein is one of four toys that
are randomly included in the Adult meals,
including Great Grimace, Ronald’s
Shoe and the Clam Burglar. Graham is
now heading a national effort to rid
the U.S. of these meals, and his argument
was bolstered on Monday after four Atlanta
juveniles, posing as 18-year-olds, managed
to secure an undetermined number of
Adult Happy Meals.
The resulting incident that followed
is still unclear, as reports differ
from several sources, but witness reports
from the scene said the juveniles suffered
two black eyes, bruising and a “loss
of their virgin innocence.”
The unnamed McDonald’s employee
charged with selling the meals to minors
has plead “stupidity,” with
his lawyer arguing he did not ask for
ID’s because there was no such
icon on his register.
Written
& Submitted by
J B Cougar
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