The stars suggest that you rethink
your theory that skirts for men will
be the new fashion trend.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Travel to far off lands lies in your
near future. Although you will
be cuffed, shackled, and hooded, the
weather will be fabulous at your new
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The apes will begin to warm up
to you next week, which will greatly
improve your study of them. Unfortunately
for you, they are gay apes.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
As grammar is not one of your
strong points, you might want to rethink
running for public office.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I would suggest you two get a
motel room. Don’t take her
to your place. Nice girls are
not very fond of the smell of stale
urine and crack pipe residue.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You pride yourself as a virginal
woman, but rampant sodomy as an alternative
doesn’t count as “keeping
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Naming your penis is a bit immature,
especially when you name it “Delores.”
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Running a dog-fighting ring is
illegal, but seriously, mongoloid fights?
That’s just plain reprehensible.
Entertaining, maybe. But ugh.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will be trampled to death
after you yell “Jew” in
a crowded Turkish theater.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
For this Father’s Day, you
know your Dad really wants a hooker.
Get him a tie anyway. It’ll
make him sorry for that yearly bicycle
teasing he used to do on your birthdays.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your ultra-Christian beliefs will
be jeopardized this week, when scientists
discover that you are the missing link.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Remember when you used to stick
M80s in frogs’ butts and light
them? Welcome to the world of
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer