Aries (March21-April 19)
The stars suggest that you rethink your theory that skirts for men will be the new fashion trend.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Travel to far off lands lies in your near future. Although you will be cuffed, shackled, and hooded, the weather will be fabulous at your new outdoor cell.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The apes will begin to warm up to you next week, which will greatly improve your study of them. Unfortunately for you, they are gay apes.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
As grammar is not one of your strong points, you might want to rethink running for public office.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I would suggest you two get a motel room. Don’t take her to your place. Nice girls are not very fond of the smell of stale urine and crack pipe residue.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You pride yourself as a virginal woman, but rampant sodomy as an alternative doesn’t count as “keeping your virginity.”

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Naming your penis is a bit immature, especially when you name it “Delores.”

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Running a dog-fighting ring is illegal, but seriously, mongoloid fights? That’s just plain reprehensible. Entertaining, maybe. But ugh.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You will be trampled to death after you yell “Jew” in a crowded Turkish theater.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
For this Father’s Day, you know your Dad really wants a hooker. Get him a tie anyway. It’ll make him sorry for that yearly bicycle teasing he used to do on your birthdays.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your ultra-Christian beliefs will be jeopardized this week, when scientists discover that you are the missing link.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Remember when you used to stick M80s in frogs’ butts and light them? Welcome to the world of Karma, buddy.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken