D.C. - Last week, America
was not alone in the mourning of a great
president. Many nations gathered
around candlelight vigils, singing the
praises of a great man.
Al Haig was one of the most influential
presidents of the 20th century.
He single-handedly invented the phrase
while simultaneously ending the Cold
War like some sort of gigantic magical
John Wayne. He was a master of
charm, with a smile that was as psychotic
and savagely dangerous as it was distractingly
affable. He had horse sense that
made even the most crooked of politicians
swoon, and a swagger of kings.
Al Haig will always be remembered as
a true American Legend.
Alexander Meigs Haig Jr. was born in
a rusty metal box in Gug, WV.
Despite a poor diet and the stress that
comes with the experience of being sold
to satanic Gypsies by one’s parents
at the age of 7, Al Haig survived with
all odds against him. By the summer
of 1947, he had graduated from West
Point military academy. As soon
as he was out of the academy, Mr. Haig's
boots were pounding the mud in Asia,
Europe and Washington. No one
in the entire military had seen someone
fold laundry and squeal on their friends
with the tenacity that the young Haig
displayed. Later he found himself
in the middle of combat in Vietnam.
According to Mr. Haig, “the gooks
were everywhere…selling flat soda…giving
me those squinty eyed looks….disconnecting
my hotel phone in the middle of a phone
call to Hank [Kissinger].”
After a year of Vietnamese torment,
Henry Kissinger took Al Haig under his
wing. They spent every waking
hour together. Kissinger would
spoon dollops of buttered Osetra caviar
into Al Haig’s mouth as they plotted
world domination. In 1981, they
had almost achieved it, but alas there
was trouble in paradise. Citing
artistic differences, they parted company.
Al Haig will always have a special place
in the hearts of Americans. To a man
who was always “in control here,”
we salute you.
by Faux-Newz Staff Writer