WASHINGTON,
D.C. - In a press conference
Thursday, Republican officials admitted
that their decades-long tirades against
"liberal" Democrats was merely
a case of penis envy.
"They've always had bigger cocks,
we just can't compete," Scott McClellan
tearfully stated from the White House
Press Room, surrounded by other short-in-that-department
Republicans from the House and Senate.
"Face it, they always get the best-looking
chicks because they're hung better than
a Seventies Blaxploitation pimp from
Harlem."
The news of the Republicans' admission
was hotly denied by Ann Coulter, who
in a press release the next day stated
"Ronnie Reagan could go all night,
and Dan Quayle physically hurt me when
he came." Coulter denied reports
that her vagina had been sown shut in
1992, as presviouslyZAq2 reported on
various "liberal media" outlets
such as CNN, ABC News, and Better Homes
and Gardens.
Meanwhile, various Republicans came
forward to object to the open laughter
that greeted the short-penises admission.
"It's not so bad, really,"
Senator Trent Lott said in a speech
given to reporters outside the offices
of the NAACP, where he hoped "some
of that voodoo magic" would increase
his member. "Back in the Renaissance,
a small penis was seen as a sign of
wisdom, and we all know how wise those
Italians were."
To that Senate colleague Bill Frist
added, "So that makes us wiser
than the Democrats."
Lott subsequently spent the rest of
the week apologizing to Italian-American
groups and adopting the dress of a Venetian
gondolier to try and win back their
support.
President Bush has failed to address
the issue of Republican penis envy,
but a press release detailed his "open
welcome" for those "better
endowed" to switch their allegiance
from the "bigger but more impotent"
Democrats.
"Ours has always been a nation
of strong family values and big American
penises, and at no other time have we
needed more big American penises defending
the freedoms we have from the terrorists,"
the statement concluded.
When asked for comment, Secretary of
State Colin Powell simply laughed. "Not
all of us are 'stumpy'," he reportedly
said to reporters.
Meanwhile, Attorney General John Ashcroft
used the American flag to wipe his ass
off.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent
(It's a Living)
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