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By thamike.com
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Republicans: "Liberals Have Bigger Penises"

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference Thursday, Republican officials admitted that their decades-long tirades against "liberal" Democrats was merely a case of penis envy.

"They've always had bigger cocks, we just can't compete," Scott McClellan tearfully stated from the White House Press Room, surrounded by other short-in-that-department Republicans from the House and Senate. "Face it, they always get the best-looking chicks because they're hung better than a Seventies Blaxploitation pimp from Harlem."

The news of the Republicans' admission was hotly denied by Ann Coulter, who in a press release the next day stated "Ronnie Reagan could go all night, and Dan Quayle physically hurt me when he came." Coulter denied reports that her vagina had been sown shut in 1992, as presviouslyZAq2 reported on various "liberal media" outlets such as CNN, ABC News, and Better Homes and Gardens.

Meanwhile, various Republicans came forward to object to the open laughter that greeted the short-penises admission. "It's not so bad, really," Senator Trent Lott said in a speech given to reporters outside the offices of the NAACP, where he hoped "some of that voodoo magic" would increase his member. "Back in the Renaissance, a small penis was seen as a sign of wisdom, and we all know how wise those Italians were."

To that Senate colleague Bill Frist added, "So that makes us wiser than the Democrats."
Lott subsequently spent the rest of the week apologizing to Italian-American groups and adopting the dress of a Venetian gondolier to try and win back their support.

President Bush has failed to address the issue of Republican penis envy, but a press release detailed his "open welcome" for those "better endowed" to switch their allegiance from the "bigger but more impotent" Democrats.

"Ours has always been a nation of strong family values and big American penises, and at no other time have we needed more big American penises defending the freedoms we have from the terrorists," the statement concluded.

When asked for comment, Secretary of State Colin Powell simply laughed. "Not all of us are 'stumpy'," he reportedly said to reporters.

Meanwhile, Attorney General John Ashcroft used the American flag to wipe his ass off.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent (It's a Living)


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