LONDON,
UK - An British woman
who gave birth to a baby boy using sperm
from her husband that was frozen 21
years earlier is now at the center of
an international controversy after she
and her son entered a local pub and
consumed a total of six pints of Guinness
following his birth at a nearby hospital.
Dr. Elizabeth Pease, a consultant in
reproductive medicine at St. Mary's
Hospital in Manchester where the baby
was born, said she believed the age
of the sperm made the case a record.
That, she said, and the fact that because
of a little known English law, the one-year-old
infant was born with the right to vote,
drink and smoke tobacco.
"In the eyes of Parliament and
the Queen, this child is, in fact, a
21-year-old adult with all the rights,
responsibilities and entitlements thereof,"
said House of Commons legislator Donald
Wentingsworth.
When asked for comment on being born
an adult, the baby could only make rudimentary
"cooing" sounds while blowing
bubbles with his saliva. It was not
immediately known if the condition was
the result of his inability to comprehend
human speech or the alcohol he had consumed
earlier.
The name of the child has not yet been
released, although members of the press
core have fondly taken to calling the
8-lb., 6 oz. newborn "Baby Budweiser."
Baby Bud's eyes remained closed throughout
most of the press conference, something
that Pease attributed to the newborn's
sensitive eyes or his .076 BAC.
"Yes, that BAC is quite high even
for a 21-year-old, but I mean come on,
did you see the size of that pint? It
was as big as the little bugger's entire
head," Pease said. "Besides,
there's no danger to the community -
he's not tall enough to drive yet."
Doctors in the cryogenic field are hailing
the birth as breakthrough for both the
medical and beer consuming communities.
"Not only does this prove frozen
sperm can create life, it proves that
infants can consume at least 6 pints
of alcohol before loss of motor functions,"
said Greg Horne, the senior embryologist
at St. Mary's Hospital. "I'm preparing
a draft for Parliament asking that the
new drinking age in the United Kingdom
be lowered to newborn‚ status
immediately."
As of press time, the identity of the
new proud new parents remained a mystery.
Pease said the father had five vials
of his sperm "cryopreserved"
at the age of 17; before treatment for
testicular cancer that left him sterile,
but after he got the idea from watching
Brendan Fraser "kick ass"
in the movie Encino Man.
"The mother wishes to remain anonymous,
so we'll call her Mary S - no wait,
that's not right who we'll call M. Sideman
- was ecstatic when the second try was
successful," Pease said.
Written
& Submitted by
J B Cougar
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