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Tapes: Dubya Not Happy With Dick
Operator, Get Me Jesus On The Line

Secret Tapes Yield Stunning New Transcripts

BUSH: Heckfire, Dick. Alfonse D’Amato is calling for you to get off the ticket.

CHENEY: You say D’Amato, I say potato. [Expletive deleted]-off.

BUSH: But he’s a senator and a Republican…

CHENEY: Was. Damn it George, he is an Eye Taliano from Nuevo York.

BUSH: Those Bastards! (Pause) But what about Edwards? He’s got approval ratings and hair. You don’t. I can’t lose this election!

Bush & Jesus
Political Role-Model & Close Personal
Friend Jesus Christ Counsels Star Student

CHENEY: [Expletive deleted]-face, commie, ambulance-chasing, greasy, liberal, America-hating trial lawyer!!!

BUSH: And Dick, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the language. Telling Leahy to [expletive deleted]-off on the floor of the Senate . . .

CHENEY: Damn it George! I speak my mind you know that. Them Bible Belt Boobs love it when I curse a Jew like Leahy.

BUSH: Hmm, I thought he was Irish? What do I know?

CHENEY: Not much, George, not much.

BUSH: But they said we were wrong about the WMD . . . People are saying I lied, Dick. I didn’t lie, did I?

CHENEY: Of course not. You were relying on the intelligence estimate that what’s-his-name, you know, the weasel that Clinton left here to run the CIA.

BUSH: He had a name like mine. (Pause) George! Damn it Dick, his name was George. Just like me. And it’s funny you mention him because when I was walking past Jenna’s room . . .

CHENEY: George, oh no!

BUSH: (sniggering sound) It’s not what you think Dick. There was a TV on and I heard some guy talking about that intelligence report you gave me.

CHENEY: Damn it George. I told you no newspapers, no radio and no TV! That was the deal!

BUSH: I know, I know, and I’m sorry, OK? It was accidental. But the TV said there was a one page report about Iraq that I was supposed to have read, and you brought it to me, Dick.

CHENEY: Damn it George, no one expects you to read all that technical crap. Clinton left Tenet here, remember?

BUSH: Who?

CHENEY: The other guy named George.

BUSH: Dang it Dick, I hate to say it but you were wrong about the damn nukes! (Sobbing.) There I said it. And while we are at it, I think you were wrong about Saddam and Osama being buds. Come to think of it you were wrong about the people cheering when we got to Baghdad. They ain’t cheering. They are jeering and some of them boys we sent over there is liable to get hurt someday. I haven’t been to any funerals yet but I know people won’t love me if their boys wind up dead. They don’t even trust me and I think it’s your fault.

CHENEY: Look, George, I don’t need the money, OK? And I don’t need this [expletive deleted] from you either. My doctor’s a junkie and who knows what crap he shoved up my ticker. I am so out of here.

BUSH: All right, Dick. All right.

(DOOR SLAMS. PAUSE.)

BUSH: Connie, get me Jesus on the line.

CONNIE: Excuse me Sir?

BUSH: You heard me right, Connie. Now you’re a good secatary (sic) and you got to help me. I think Dick had a touch of evil and people out there are starting to sense it. I’m not too proud to say when I need help from God. And right now I need Jesus Lord our God to be my personal savior.

CONNIE: I’ll bring in the Bible, Sir.

BUSH: Connie, the book just isn’t enough. I need the Big Guy himself. He’s got better hair than that trial lawyer. Poor people will vote for Jesus. Shoot, Jesus loved poor people and they can sense that. You see?

CONNIE: I have Mr. Christ on line one, Mr. President.

BUSH: God Damn, I knew you’d come through for me. Jesus, You hate them evil doers, don’t ya? I sure do. And I need your help dear Lord. My approval ratings are suffering . . . they are declining precipitously because of Dick Wad, and Osama. Even Saddam’s more popular that me. God, I am lost without You and I need You now more than ever. Won’t You be the copilot on Air Force One?

JC: I would love to help you George but I have some issues myself that might reflect poorly on you.

BUSH: But I was gonna call you Perfecto Dude. There can’t be anything about The Son of God that’s bad, can there? I mean . . .

JC: Well there are certain aspects of my record that makes it impossible . . .

BUSH: You’re kidding me now.

JC: No Sir. First of all I am Jewish.

BUSH: No you ain’t.

JC: I was born Jewish. I was a rabbi in the old country. Oy, such a time we had then.

BUSH: Say it aint so, Fish Man. You converted, right? You’re a Protestant now, right? Doesn’t matter what kind. You’re born again!

JC: No, Mr. President. I never converted. How could I accept myself as my own personal savior? It wouldn’t look good. No, Dad and Mom are both in the tribe. And then there’s the flip-flop problem . . . One day I am a man, next day I am a God, then the Son of God. Then I’m dead and then resurrected. There’s this ghost thing, you shouldn’t know from it, Mr. President. Also Dad has such a temper. Global warming? That’s Pop for you. Then there was all that nonsense with Paul and his [expletive deleted] epistles. He made stuff up, from nothing he made it. Uchh, if people find out and then first you’ll have trouble. My boys Matthew, Mark, Luke and John could never get on the same [expletive deleted] page. One guy says this, the other says that. They were free-lancing improvisers. Only a schmuck like Mel Gibson could take that crap seriously. Dad’s gonna snatch his ass in a bear trap!

BUSH: But you walk on water . . .

JC: Camel-[expletetive deleted]. I told you Paul was a putz. Peter, too. You didn’t know? We didn’t have Spielberg back then. We had to use imagination. Don’t you know from parables? It’s in the book. And then there was all that Mishegas with the Money Lenders.

BUSH: Jesus, that’s my base!

JC: Sorry, George. What do you think those Pioneers and Rangers of yours are going to say about my line on rich men and the eye of the needle? Looks bad, George. Looks bad. And believe me, people don’t like to hear that I’m the prince of peace, it’s a warrior god they want now. You know, end times and all that [expletive deleted]. Dad said I can’t wear a flight suit anyway. I’m not even allowed to talk to most of your friends. Geez, what’s up with Ashcroft?

BUSH: You mean it really true about rich people and heaven?

JC: Better you should be a school teacher. I have a hard time seeing anyone getting in these days. Mandela . . . maybe. Jon Stewart is pretty funny. Dad likes “The Daily Show” and besides Jon is family. See what I mean? In the tribe, he is. Such a punum. And George, I am afraid our styles are incongruous. You like rich white guys and golf and flying airplanes drunk. I hang in the hood with the dudes who got diddly. Besides, “born-again rich guys” is an oxymoron, like Fox News. Ha, ha, ha.

BUSH: I don’t know what to say . . . you are my hero, my role model. Some many of them voters have pitchers (sic) of you with that sweet look, them big blue eyes and all that log golden hair.

JC: Another big letdown for you, chief. Look up the word swarthy in the dictionary.

BUSH: I don’t care! Your country needs you . . . Jesus Christ!

JC: Don’t be a schmuck Mr. President. I am giving you good advice. Me, on the ticket? Forget about it. Your fund raisers would plotz already. Sorry George, if people think about what really happened they’ll paint me like a radical. A Liberal, Mr. President. A welfare-loving, socialist leaning, Liberal!!

BUSH: A Liberal? Oh, [Expletive deleted].

End of tape

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Lyle Graham


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