Sean
Hannity, the co-anchor of Fox News'
Republican feel-good show “Hannity
and Colmes” has gone underground
after reportedly gunning down his co-host
Alan Colmes, police in New York reported
Saturday.
In a heated discussion the night before,
regarding the possibility that President
Bush had lied his way into the war with
Iraq, Colmes deflected several taunts
from Hannity, 42, who when usually presented
with hard evidence reverted back to
calling Colmes a liberal and slamming
his patriotism. Colmes finally decided
to “stop being your [Hannity's]
punching bag” and gave Sean a
piece of his mind.
According to eyewitnesses, Hannity boiled
with anger and stormed out of the set,
emitting low-frequency grunts usually
associated with the more primitive forms
of gorillas in the African highland.
Hannity's evening was spent, according
to his terrified children, watching
a marathon of “Rambo” films
and John Wayne war movies, apparently
trying to convince himself that he was
always right.
Hannity was not heard from again until
Saturday morning, when he allegedly
gunned down Colmes on the steps of his
apartment building. Colmes had just
finished a grueling work schedule cleaning
up the Fox News offices, where he served
as “token liberal/janitor”
in an effort to put himself through
puppetry school. Colmes was walking
up the entrance when a Humvee in military
green sped around the corner and the
driver activated the single-barrel machine
gun located on the auto's roof. Colmes,
still in his janitor's uniform, was
riddled with over 72 bullet holes and
pronounced dead on the scene.
Police suspect that Hannity is finally
free to give in to his primal urges
and activate a plan to wipe out other
liberal pundits he feels are undermining
America. A crudely written list in crayon,
attributed to Hannity, outlined the
public figures he supposedly plans to
take out and includes:
Al
Franken
Janeane Garafalo
James Carville
Tucker Carlson (Hannity calls him
“a kloset lee-beral”
on the list)
John Kerry
Ted Turner
and former Family Feud host Richard
Dawson |
Authorities say that
Hannity could be anywhere, and urge
prominent liberals in the media to use
caution. At press time, the far-right
Fox News or the stars of “The
OC” had issued no major condemnation
of Hannity’s actions.
”It's only a matter of time before
liberals realize they can't hide from
the truth...or Hannity's awesome fists
of fury!” Matt Drudge opined on
his internet site. Security measures
have been put in place to protect the
Jews who run Hollywood from Hannity's
Nazi wrath.
Written
& Submitted by
Trev Danger, Washington Correspondent
(It's a Living)
|
