Aries (March 21-April 19)
HEY YOU! Out of the Gene Pool!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Contrary to popular belief, no one loves you. In fact everyone is out to get you.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
The stars predict that on Tuesday you will be arrested for all that kiddy porn you've been holding on to. Get it out of the house now!

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Dog feces does not count as an Atkins safe food.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Be sure to pay attention to your cat this week, she's thinking of ripping off your face.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
On the way into work on Thursday you will break out into hives, go right past work and get some anti itch cream.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Sometimes it's OK to not pay attention to your horoscopes, today is not one of those occasions.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
No matter what your boyfriend tells you, "Susan" is not his sister. In fact they are screwing on your countertop right now.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Ten short men wearing "I'm With Stupid" T-Shirts will abduct you Friday, be safe.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
After blowing off your fingers with that quarter-stick on the 4th of July, you will finally get out of the hospital on Thursday. You'll need someone to help you open your doors for a while.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You will not vote for Bush in the upcoming elections. If you do, you'll get no Bush ever!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The say Ten Thousand people can't be wrong. Maybe they are right, but they certainly can be stupid. You are always one of the Ten Thousand.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken