Aries (March21-April 19)
12 times a day is far too much in terms of masturbating. Cool it for a while.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You think no-one knows your dirty secret. We all know, now go kill yourself you freak!

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
7 organ donors can't help you, but 8 might. Go get em' tiger.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
The stars predict that you are an asshole.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your editor is away on vacation, you should fuck off the entire time.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Midgets fighting lions isn't pretty, but it sure is funny.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct.23)
Muse Plu... Wha? Suga Bloomers!

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
You are not Jet Lee, You are not "The One", you are however retarded for thinking so.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
They say time can heal all wounds, but if you don't get to the hospital you will bleed to death.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
What kind of zodiac symbol is Capricorn anyway? You're not getting a horoscope you loser.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
My oh my... That is some rash.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
HOLY SHIT!!! DUCK!!!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken