Washington D.C. - The Independent Party has announced the location for their presidential nomination, and have chosen a historic location like the Democrats and Republicans (whose conventions meet in Boston and New York respectively).

"We're excited to go to Akron, we feel it's a great historic city for our meeting, and we can host it against the backdrop of the now-defunct US auto industry to show what we can bring to America," Independent Party Spokesman Ted Klinger said Monday at the special press conference to announce the location. "There's real promise about Akron, I can tell you that."

The party's ticket, consisting of Ralph Nader and "someone else...can't remember his name" (quote from the party chairman), has been making a go of it in national polls, and is slogging behind the main party candidates in terms of popularity. But the Independent National Convention is optimistic about some recent poll numbers.

"We're very excited to be polling as strongly as we do when we're compared to other even less-likely parties and nominees," Klinger told reporters. "We're beating the Communist candidates (Richard Marx and Laura Engels) by 45%, the Free Range candidates (Pa and Ma Bell) by 17%, and we've got a real stranglehold on the Gold Standard party (William Jennings Bryan III and J.P Morgan IV) with 65% of the independent votes."

Akron was chosen for the convention because it is located in Ohio, a key battleground state for Democrats and Republicans. "We want to show those people in Ohio, and all across our great nation, that we are a feasible, and cost-effective, alternative to the mainstream parties. We offer them the legacy of generations of brave independents who voted however they felt best, and weren't shackled to party considerations."

Akron, located between two other shining examples of Ohio's contributions to the Industrial Revolution of the Nineteenth Century (Cleveland and Youngstown), has long been neglected since the automotive industry abandoned it for the relatively cheap and better-made production lines of Japan and Los Angeles. The crime wave is reported at a statisically impossible 105%, and most residents have either eaten their children or grandparents for survival since the welfare office went out of business three years ago.

"These people have suffered enourmously since 1895," local historian and vegan Arthur J. Schlesinjer (not Schlesinger), Jr., said. "They were shunned aside in the Gilded Age, they never really got over the tragic death of Warren Harding, and 'abolotionist' is to Akron-ites what 'liberal' is to most Reagan-era Republicans. These people can't get a break."

But will the convention bring more interest back to the delapidated downtown area, and will the city be able to accomadate the slightly large number of delegates hoped for the convention? "One can only pray...if you're religious. We don't try to cater or discriminate against religious voters," Klinger adds.

The party's platform, defined by such great independent stances as "some degree of autonomy for the Native American population", "ambiguous feelings towards same-sex marriage", and "bringing back the great traditions of the Whig party", will focus on the important issues of the day, and Akron seems an ideal place to do so.

"We hope to galvanize the independent voters to rally around our causes, which are a 'wait and see' in regards to Iraq, 'really wish we could help' in terms of alleviating poverty in the inner cities, and 'whatever the other parties say' in regards to expanding the war on terror to other hot spots like Syria, Iran, and Iowa," Klinger told reporters at the Akron-themed "Getting To Know Akron!" fundraiser in Cleveland (no sites in Akron were deemed "structurally fit" to host the rally).

The convention, set to last two hours Sunday night, will consist of speeches from Independent candidates running for office, beginning at 8:00 PM. At 8:05, the vice-presidential nominee ("we've really got to learn his f-ing name," Klinger conceded) will speak, and at 8:07 Nader will speak to the estimated sixteen delegates in attendance. The rest of the two hours will be spent at a special concert given by such pop stars as Heavy D, Kajagoogoo, Spandau Ballet, Melissa Etheridge's brother Tom, and Kenny G.

"Akron will be ablaze, but in a good way," Schlesinjer (not Schlesinger) told me. "Instead of being fired up by race riots and massive layoffs, as well as outbreaks of Spanish flu or striking railwaymen, we'll be fired up by the Independent Party's zeal to show a 15% in national polling. The beer and herpes will flow free again for a good cause, and this will put Akron on the map as not just another town known once for making tires, but a vibrant and important member of the world community. I can only see blue skies ahead for the people of Akron...then again, excessive pollution causes it to be unnaturally blue anyway."

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Washington Correspondent (It's A Living)