The number one golfer in the world rankings, Tiger Woods, took out his frustration for not winning a major all year by ripping the head off a dove Sunday and drinking from its neck before security could restrain him, sources say.

Woods, the former "boy wonder" of the golf circuit, had fallen on hard times in the past two years. He lost his father, Tony "The Tiger" Woods, to cereal-related cancer in 2003, and some attribute his troubles to the firing of his putting coach, Happy Gilmore, later that same year.

Woods was in Augusta over the weekend to play in the Rich White Man's Open, and in the first round shot an embarrassing 7 over par. His score didn't improve in the next round, and Woods eventually lost to last-minute entry Alice Cooper.

In the Rich White Man Open a year earlier, Woods had suffered a heartbreaking loss to Christopher Reeve, who managed to manipulate a golf club with his wheelchair. Sunday's loss was the final straw, as Woods paced the outside of the clubhouse, stumbled across a dove on the grounds, and proceeded to lift it up.

Eyewitnesses recalled the following and horrifying seconds as Woods, who seemed to calm at first when he took up the dove, suddenly ripped the head off with his right hand and raised the headless corpse to his lips.

Authorties responding to the scene reported that Woods was catatonic, with trickles of blood coming down his cheek. The dove was declared dead on arrival at St. Mercy Mercy Me's Animal Hospital in nearby South Carolina.

At press time, Woods was under psychiatric observation at a nearby chicken farm and clinic, where he will remain until doctors can determine his mental fitness. Ozzy Osbourne, who pulled the same trick in the early Eighties, has been fucked-up ever since, so there is little hope for Tiger.

Written & Submitted by
Trev Danger - Third-Rate Sports Writer (Still Waiting for Money)