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Survivor
Fat Chance: Your Weekly Gossip Source
by Chance McKracken

CBS’ Survivor: California Recall, Fiji Debuts With Record Ratings

The newest installment of the popular CBS reality series Survivor has debuted with record ratings! Survivor: California Recall, Fiji opened up this past week with a blockbuster list of contestants and an island full of controversy!

If shrill foreigners and bland yet calculating politicians are not what you are craving on a Thursday night, then watch out! Don’t even tune into CBS! However, I believe no matter your assumptions or preferences, you won’t be able to change the channel!

This week’s episode had everything anyone would want! As Cruz Bustamante, who’s only take along items were cherry flavored lubricant and Evil, walked up and down the beach naked twirling the edges of his mustache and randily demanding the rent from the rest of the contestants, Ariana Huffington shrieked maniacally at a small shrubbery in a flurry of incomprehensible Greek jargon for a few hours then stabbed herself with mollusks until she bled! Arnold Schwarzenegger was no quitter either. That Hunky Terminator Robot From The Future was dishing out monosyllabic pseudo-profundities in between the arduous procedure of de-veining shrimp and trying to break his tracking collar on the edge of a jagged outcropping! Don’t forget Tom McClintock! Where was he, anyway? Looks like he spent his day on the other side of the island, figuring out how to actually survive! I don’t think he’ll last long! Nobody likes a Frowny-Pants!

I also think there was another contestant. He had said something about a Green…I want to say…Party? Well we didn’t see much of him or any party this episode, but judging by the size of those protest puppets, I’m sure he won’t be easily voted off this island. That’s right! Go easy on us "wimps," Tough Guy!

Be sure to tune in next week! I think they will all be walking on the beach naked by that point! And they will probably all have cultivated a shrill tone. Or a foreign one. Or both! BADA-BING!

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Chance McKracken


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