WASHINGTON, DC - Thomas A. Ferguson, Director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, announced in a press conference today that the U.S. Department of the Treasury was taking steps to alleviate thecurrent economic depression.

" We have decided the problem," Ferguson explained, "is not that people don't have money to spend,but rather, they just don't find spending FUN enough." To remedy this situation, the Treasury isunveiling a new series of money adorned with pop icons. The Treasury gave a $10,000,000.00 grant to Ted " Theodore" Logan Bush - some guy who was already rich and undeserving and just happened to be related to the President - who they charged with finding which media stars' images would be most popular with the public and most make people want to spend their money.

The first in the new series of ten bills will be the Yanni dollar. "We gave this to people and found they couldn't get rid of it fast enough," reported Bush. "It was like a hot potato. The first guy we gave it to sprinted to the nearest wino and gave it away. The wino then jumped to his feet, ran to the liquor store and bought a quart of Night Train. The store owner handed it to a robber, the robber spent it on crack, the crack dealer used it on a hooker, and on it went. All told, the bill circulated to 57 people in the first hour and hasn't slowed down since. That's what I call speeding up the economy!"

A new celebrity bill will be issued every other month for the next two years. Other faces slated toappear on U.S. currency include Emmanuel Lewis, Richard Simmons, Gilbert Gottfried, Rip Taylor, Joan Rivers, Roseanne Barr, Cojo (the new token gay guy on Entertainment tonight) and others.

Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
Nerraux